


Capsize

by Doeeyedmisfit



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Jealousy, M/M, Pining, Possessive Behavior, Self Depreciating Thoughts, Sort Of, Unrequited Love, jaemin is an asshole, jaemin is bad at feelings, jaemin swears a lot, jeno best boy, jeno has lots of feelings, not entirely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:47:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25290409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Doeeyedmisfit/pseuds/Doeeyedmisfit
Summary: He wants to run away from Jaemin, but he can’t.orJeno falls for his sister's boyfriend.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 101





	Capsize

**Author's Note:**

> The biggest warning in this is that Jeno can cook LOL  
> I myself kept cracking up whenever it would happen but like its part of the story I can’t do nothing bruh  
> I mean it is fiction so Jeno cook, gordon oppa got nothing on him  
> And Jaemin sort of thinks with his dick -the boy is new to love please forgive him
> 
> aside from that, the more serious warnings are in the tags
> 
> if the term 'elder' pops up anywhere in reference to Jaemin, then my bad, I've gone over this fic a thousand times trying to make sure it isn't there since this is an edited version of my old fic for another ship
> 
> and the two are a tad bit dramatic so yeah
> 
> so yups thats it

Na Jaemin to Jeno, is someone complicated. Someone he can’t find words to describe no matter how hard he may try. Someone who pushes him into a storm of emotions –abrupt in their changes. The feeling of right when it’s obviously wrong, the rapid beating of his heart, the light flutter in his tummy. The sound of his heart breaking into thin shards of glass, the sickness that slowly bubbles up in his stomach and makes him want to wretch till his insides are empty. The smile on his face –the tears in his eyes.

Sometimes Jaemin seems to be attentive, hanging off each and every syllable coming out of his mouth. Be it tales about his friends, his dreams, the small kitten he had the fortune of petting on the way back home from school. Other times, Jeno isn’t even sure he has a fraction of the man’s attention, as if he’s looking right through him –lost in his own world, distracted, detached. Jeno would feel like reaching out and easing the lines of worry creased above Jaemin’s brow, but he doesn’t.

Doesn’t have the right to.

Jeno feels like a thread that’s been tied over –and over –and over again. Twisted in lies of what to believe, what not to believe, false warnings, or are they true? Should he be afraid, should he believe what people say –or follow his gut. Follow his heart.

The 3rd year is the talk of the college. Words like _Casanova, womanizer,_ and _player_ used in abandon to speak of the man; all warranting the premise that Na Jaemin is an unfaithful, selfish man, and in his cowardly wake, goes around breaking hearts.

Jeno doesn’t believe the rumors though, refuses to even. Jaemin has always been nice to him, sincere from smiles to words spoken.

His feelings are his own fault. Jeno’s lack of restrain over who his heart beats for, who it blindly falls for, it’s all on him. Jaemin never did anything, he was just kind to him, friendly in his conduct, and Jeno fell. He hates himself for it.

It doesn’t help that Jeno hears things from his friends. They’re good people, and they look out for him, he really loves them, but he also really loves Jaem- _no, no he doesn’t, it’s wrong._ He’s thankful for the little group of friends he has, for being there to remind him that he’s always been too gullible, too trusting. So when he has his slip ups –Mark’s glare from across the table is enough to remind him of Renjun from grade 11, warning him to be careful, to not have his heart broken again. To not give his everything to someone who wasn’t willing to do the same in return.

_Don’t make the same mistake twice._

This time though, Jeno is at fault, and he loathes himself whenever he feels butterflies erupt in his belly at the sight of Jaemin. Out in the open, he denies his feelings without missing a beat –hoping to say it so much, that one day it becomes a reality for him. His fault –his mistake, isn’t a casual slip of the tongue, or a prank gone wrong. It isn’t spilling coffee over a research paper, neither is it using salt instead of sugar. His mistake was love, if not love, then most certainly _attraction_.

Being attracted to the wrong person; being attracted to his _sister’s_ boyfriend, Na Jaemin.

Jeno was shamefully harbouring feelings for the man his older sister loves –or likes. He doesn’t know exactly, but they’re in ‘ _whatever’_ enough to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend –at least he thinks they do. He has a crush on the man who drops by their house every weekend –sometimes on weekdays too. The man who takes his sister out on dates while he himself longingly watches them leave from his bedroom window. The ache in his chest growing with their every step. The same man who recently spent more time talking to him in the kitchen than being with his sister in the confines of her bedroom, ruffling his hair, pinching his cheeks, and complimenting the food he’d make for the three of them. 

Jeno denied his feelings, many a times, blatantly ignored them, buried them in the deepest –unreachable corners of his heart, hoping for it to become a love that’s been forgotten. Unfortunately, love does not work that way, and he could only lie to himself for so long.

The first time Jeno’s heart skipped a beat at the sight of the man, was when he had come to their house for the second time; Jaemin had stayed the night. The next morning, when Jeno had been making breakfast in the kitchen, blissfully unaware of the extra presence in the house, he had been start struck seeing Jaemin walk in with his sister. The couple laughing at whatever, his smile capturing Jeno in a trance. A trance he quickly recovered from when his sister had asked him if he could make extras.

Jeno had agreed of course, obedience came with being a respectful sibling to his older sister, she did a lot for him too, so of course he would do what she asked of him. But making a bunch of pancakes had quickly turned out to be a difficult task to accomplish. His hands had been trembling and sweat had gathered at the base of his neck. He hadn’t been sure whether the cause was the heat from the stove, or the heavy gaze trailing his every move.

Jeno knows, or supposes that Jaemin is aware of his infatuation with him, especially since Jeno unknowingly makes it hard to miss. Stuttering responses to the other man’s questions, blushing up a storm at the slightest bit of eye contact, avoiding being in a room alone with the other.

He wants to run away from Jaemin, but he can’t. The pull is too strong and he hasn’t found it in himself to withstand it, to show that he too can be strong. So until he builds himself a concrete wall that won’t collapse under the pressure of those dark eyes and twisted grin, he’ll come back each and every time. Hoping that this time won’t be the one where his heart gets damaged to the point of no return.

XX 

_Jeno’s crush is obvious for anyone looking close enough, and Jaemin had looked close enough many times. Plus, he wasn’t an idiot, the exact opposite instead. It’s his clever insight and keen eye that makes him see through the younger. But it’s his practiced ways that make his heart tug at the endearing sight of the nervous wreck._

_The same practiced ways that have driven him into countless beds. Tainting and breaking those that come to him with full hearts._

_And Jeno is no exception._

_XX_

“Jen, he’s coming.” Mark nudges the brunette from where he’s standing next to him.

Jeno looks up at Mark and then follows the other’s scowl to the unfortunate object it’s directed at.

His traitor of a heart flutters.

Jeno has stopped acknowledging it, or has tried to stop himself from acknowledging it, _it_ being Jaemin’s looks. He tries again today, but fails completely. Boneless in front of Jaemin clad in a slightly sheer white dress shirt, that looks more casual than formal, blue ripped jeans that expose slivers of strong tanned thighs. His dusky blue hair is messily swept to the side, out of his beautiful eyes.

Jaemin’s looks are enough to remind Jeno just how attracted he is to the latter, and he wished –wishes the feeling would have pleased him in any way. But pining after someone is painful, it’s bittersweet; unfortunately more bitter than sweet. Leaves acid on his tongue and poison spreading through his chest. Pining has never felt good, and it never will.

The two friends had just gotten out of their philosophy tutorial and were waiting in the courtyard for the rest of their group to show up.

Jeno routinely goes home with his sister and Jaemin, the latter not giving him an option to do otherwise –assuring him there was plenty of room in his car, that it didn’t make sense for Jeno to walk home when they were headed for the same destination. Jeno, blaming his pushover self, at the time agreed and thanked the man for his consideration.

As for today, he made a promise to his friends that he wouldn’t ditch them in their daily after class shenanigans and would hang out with them. Giving them his undivided attention, and all the precious time he could have spent binge watching King Julien on netflix.

He just hopes he’s able to relay this information to Jaemin without stumbling over his words.

“Jeno-ya, ready to go home?” Upon reaching the duo, Jaemin asks kindly.

Jeno tries to ignore Mark’s blatant scoff, and smiles softly at the senior, opening his mouth to greet Jaemin in return. However just as he’s about to –an arm winds around his waist tugging him into warmth he’s well accustomed to. A voice that isn’t his or Mark’s, but just as familiar, speaks up instead.

“Ah –sorry Jaemin-ssi, but we’ll be taking _our Jeno_ with us today.”

Donghyuck’s voice is clearly laced with challenge, it’s so apparent in his hostile tone that even Jeno notices and visibly tenses in his best friend’s hold. Jaemin’s expression noticeably hardens too, but the brunette doesn’t understand why. They’re his friends –surely it isn’t wrong of him to go and spend time with them.

“And where are you taking him?” Jaemin questions, his smile upon greeting Jeno nowhere in sight. Instead his sister’s boyfriend keeps his gaze narrowed on his friend.

Jeno, before Donghyuck could aggravate the other even more, quickly speaks up.

“Ice-cream! We’re g-going out for some ice-cream –to that new parlor that opened.” His own eye smile in place. The tense silence only prompts Jeno to grin harder, hoping that this weird, unsettling feeling would evaporate with the cheerfulness he’s forcing out.

Jaemin eventually nods, taking his time to do so, his glare moving from Donghyuck to settle upon Jeno, as if urging the brunette to leave with him. The downturn of his mouth almost has Jeno’s smile faltering, but he tries to steel himself. Steel his resolve so he doesn’t end up doing something stupid like telling his friends goodbye in hopes of pleasing his crush. Thankfully, after a few seconds of Jeno not moving away from his friends and Donghyuck refusing to loosen his hold around his waist, Jaemin retreats, muttering an insincere _see you later_ to him, glancing at Donghyuck one last time.

Jeno didn’t even realize he was holding his breath until Jaemin completely disappears from his field of vision. Fresh air returning to his lungs. That lingering feeling, that something was bothering Jaemin, didn’t leave him at all, not even when he was sitting between his chattering friends, holding a cone of his favorite strawberry mango ice-cream. He only comes out from his thoughts when Donghyuck starts scolding him for letting the ice-cream dribble down his arm.

Even then he couldn’t provide his complete presence.

_Why did Jaemin look so annoyed?_

XX 

By the time Jeno arrives home, it’s almost dinner time and Jaemin’s black Cayenne Turbo is parked in his driveway. He’s always found it a bit awkward, how the huge vehicle sits in front of his tiny house. Only he and his sister live here; their parents choosing to live in the suburbs, than spend a rushed life in a bustling city.

He tries to shove down the anxiousness rising in the pit of his stomach. He doesn’t know if Jaemin is fine now, if what he saw earlier in the day was his imagination, what did he even see? It’s all so confusing it makes him want to turn back and only return after the elder has left. But he’s hungry, melted ice-cream could only do so much to fill his humungous appetite. Plus, this is his home, so if Jaemin is annoyed or angry at him, _he still doesn’t know or understand why_ , then _he_ should leave, not Jeno.

Jeno stops humoring his thoughts, because if he starts thinking too much again, he will end up hightailing the heck out of there. He enters his house, locking the door and shrugging his shoes off to the side. Inching through the small corridor, intending to hear better and locate where his sister and her boyfriend could be so he can avoid that space. He hears noise coming from the TV, and stealthily passes the open lounge, expecting to find the couple. He stops in the doorway though when all he sees is Jaemin sprawled across the couch, already looking at him with an eyebrow raised, probably questioning why he’s sneaking around his own home. His sister is nowhere in sight.

“Umm –where’s noona?” Jeno asks -a bit distraught, nervous with being in Jaemin’s presence.

Jaemin sits up, chuckling softly, running a hand through his hair.

Jeno tries not to follow the movement, hastily darting his eyes from Jaemin’s arm to where his fingers are buried between thick blue strands, and then back to his face, acting like the last two seconds hadn’t happened.

He feels like he’s committing a sin.

“She’s out with her friends, I told her I’d wait for her till she comes back.”

Jaemin smiles at him, the corners of lips lifting akin to a Cheshire cat. Jeno feels some of his worry slip away, thankful that whatever bad mood Jaemin was in earlier, can’t be found now. He might have been upset from before and Donghyuck’s tone probably set him off on top of it. Jeno knows his friend forever now, and knows that Donghyuck only spoke like that out of his need to protect him. Jeno has been keeping Donghyuck in loop with his growing feelings for the man. Maybe Jaemin had fallen prey to that.

“Okay then, I’ll umm just go change –and then I’ll make something for us to eat.”

He doesn’t wait for the other to respond, not even really looking at him while speaking, and bolts for his room, closing the door as quietly as he can. He knows it’s stupid, the giddy feeling in his chest, at the prospect of being alone with his crush in his house. It’s utterly idiotic, and terrible of him, and the reminder that the man waiting downstairs for his sister is his _sister’s_ boyfriend, has his joy tuning down till its non-existent and replaced by guilt. The guilt he constantly suffers through with any thought or feeling that fuels his attraction for the other.

Once he’s swapped his clothes for something comfier, his white sleeping shirt --stretched at the neck from years of use -along with black sweatpants, he heads down to the kitchen with an unsteady heart. Making sure to fit it through his head that Jaemin is nothing more than a casual friend.

Jeno finds the man already seated on a stool at their high top kitchen table, busy with something on his phone. Their eyes meet though when he looks up at the sound of his footsteps padding against wood.

“So umm I’ll just make some fried rice –is that okay?” He asks through a mumble, turning away from the elder and moving to the fridge.

He pulls up his sleeves from where they slip over his knuckles and bunches the material up to his elbows, opening the fridge and pulling out the ingredients he would need –waiting for Jaemin to respond.

“ _Jeno-ya_ , you know I love whatever you make, you could fry an omelette and it would be the best omelette I’ve ever had in my whole life.” Jaemin drawls, the man’s voice crawling up his spine in a way that both pleases and terrifies him.

In response Jeno laughs, a small awkward sound, that is as fake as it sounds.

He spends a few more seconds rummaging around in the fridge just so it looks like he’s still searching for ingredients, when in fact he’s trying to pull himself together. Jeno doesn’t want Jaemin to see the blush that’s settled over his cheeks. He doesn’t want to be given away.

Jaemin has always talked to him like this. Praising him and his different capabilities, complimenting him when he thought something he wore looked good on him. Jeno received it as the other’s outspoken, straightforward nature, and often softly thanked him in return or just shied away completely.

He doesn’t bother to see what Jaemin is doing, and instead opts to throw his mind into making the fried rice. Chopping the vegetables, seasoning the sausages he found in the freezer, dumping it into the mini wok along with leftover rice from yesterday.

The chair screeching against the tiles wakes Jeno out of his relaxed state, putting his nerves on high alert. No sooner than ten seconds, Jaemin is standing next to him –about three steps away. The man leans his side against the counter, arms folded across his chest. Jeno knows the attention that’s focused on him, but he pointedly stares at the green onion he’s trying to glide the knife over.

“Who brought you home? Or did you walk?” Jaemin questions, eyes dragging over the brunette.

Jeno deliberately ignores his peripheral view, and to ease himself a bit, smiles –focusing on something that can cause even the slightest bit of distraction for him; his best friend.

“Hyuck would never let me walk home if it were up to him, he dropped me off.”

Jeno can’t keep the extent of his fondness for his best friend out of his voice. They’ve been attached at the hip ever since a five year old Jeno decided to befriend the quite, shy boy he saw at the school playground during recess. That’s why, after his terrible heartbreak during grade 11 –that left him closed in and timid, Donghyuck took it upon himself to guide and help Jeno, the way he had when Donghyuck needed to be brought out of his shell. He was like a brother to Jeno, one of the most significant people in his life.

“You must really like him, right?”

He hears Jaemin say –or ask? It sounded similar to how he had during the day, but Jeno reminds himself that he can’t keep reading someone he knows so little of. So he tries to ignore the subtle shift and continues his path of the adoring thoughts for his best friend. Maybe it’ll also show Jaemin that he’s capable of replying with more than two words, without stuttering. Something he hasn’t been able to do since his feelings grew too big for his heart to contain.

Jeno thinks over the question, purses his lips and tilts his head towards his shoulder, the action jostles his shirt a bit, the neckline dipping to the side.

“ _Like_ …would be an understatement? I mean he’s been my best friend since I was in Kindergarten, he’s the closest person to me, the one who’s always been by my side, I love him –he’s been looking out for me ever since he saw me at my worst and I really appreciate him for that, so _like_ would be too less of a word to describe what I feel for him.”

Jeno explains, all the while tossing the ingredients together in the wok -more than he needs to just so he can avoid looking at Jaemin, no matter how much his gaze burns the side of his face.

XX 

_Jaemin really hates every word coming out of those pouty lips. The other man hasn’t once lifted his gorgeous eyes to look up at him –only providing him with a view of thick, long lashes, a sharp nose and the corner of a red mouth._

_He thought Jeno had a crush on him, then what the hell was he doing with that dumbass? **Donghyuck** -fucking bastard. And now –hearing that the two go way back, it’s adding fuel to the fire. He really –really fucking hates it. _

_His rage has blinded him so much he doesn’t even stop to think why the younger is affecting him this way._

_However, Jaemin hasn’t been provoked enough yet, provoked to do anything about the adrenaline starting to pump through his veins. He’s annoyed –borderline enraged, but not completely. Not enough to act upon it and make another set of wrong decisions. He’s going to need to be brought to the edge and possibly flung off._

_He has his masochistic tendencies, and this is one example of the lot._

_He clenches his jaw, the furrow between his eyebrows deepens._

_He adds even more salt to his growing wound._

_XX_

“If I didn’t know you, I’d think you guys were a couple.”

The spatula in his hand almost drops and his cheeks fill with color again. Jeno really can’t believe Jaemin just said that, and now he doesn’t have even more guts to look at the man.

“Ahh-umm Jaemin it’s not – _well_ that’s probably because Hyuck knows that t-touches calm my n-nerves, so because of that he just –yeah.” He ends off lamely, hoping his discomfort is apparent enough for Jaemin to change the route this conversation has headed in.

But that’s just wishful thinking, unfortunately.

“Come on _No-ya,_ you know people around campus call you guys a couple, I’m pretty sure there’s more than just slight _touches_ happening for such rumors to go around.”

Jeno closes the heat under the pan and brings a finger up to the base of his neck, scratching and leaving behind a red mark –a nervous tick. He doesn’t understand why the other is so adamant about this. But even so, Jeno has found it hard to refuse people; he answers and hopes this conversation could just end altogether. 

“It’s just I guess –we hold hands a lot, it’s mostly me to be honest, I just stay attached to him, o-or like, sometimes he’ll lay his head in my lap, he likes sleeping a lot, he could sleep through anything to be honest –and sometimes he tries to kiss me since he knows it annoys me, he does that randomly at times, I mean we’ve shared beds growing up, so we don’t really have any boundaries –so that’s why I guess people think we’re a couple.”

Jeno feels as jumbled as his sentences are coming out to be and just trails off with a humorless laugh, mindlessly risking a glance at Jaemin. Which he learns instantly was not a good idea. He really shouldn’t have because now he can’t look away.

The intensity, the unconcealed _something dark_ , the man stares at him with, holds Jeno captive and rendered immobile. Unease settles deep within his heart –but there’s something else swimming in those dark eyes, something that beckons Jeno closer, at the same time warns him to keep his distance. It tells him the flaws he’ll find up close –he won’t like.

Jaemin takes a step forward, and Jeno unconsciously goes one back.

The other’s lips quirk up into a smirk, slowly closing in on him.

_This is so wrong –this is so, so wrong._

“Jeno-ya, I know you like me, but even then, if you wanna run away, then I don’t mind chasing; I’ve always loved playing games.”

Jeno’s lower back digs into the counter just as Jaemin comes to stand in his space. A mix of dread-arousal-and guilt pools his stomach at their close proximity. That gaze full of raw desire and lust, eating him inside out, and good gosh _this is so wrong_.

Jaemin doesn’t do anything for a few seconds, just watches him like a hawk –from his head, down to his sock cladded feet –and back up. Jeno tries his best to supress the shudder that runs through him, but he’s being watched very carefully, and his watcher doesn’t miss it at all. He might perceive it as some invitation because he finally fills any remaining gap between their bodies.

An arm wraps around Jeno’s waist, the other trails up to the collar of his shirt and pulls it down over his right shoulder, revealing more of his pale skin that unbeknownst to him has been testing the other man. He feels frozen, reluctant to move from the terrible longing and want coursing through him. Jeno’s breath hitches in his throat, he squeezes his eyes shut, holds onto fistfuls of Jaemin’s shirt, and squirms in the hold.

_So, so wrong, but so, so good._

It feels like forever before he feels Jaemin’s warm breath ghost over his shoulder that very quickly gets replaced by his lips –just a press of his lips. He drags them along the column of his neck, right up to his ear, and then just as slowly, leaves a path of open-mouthed kisses down to where he started. He feels Jaemin nip at the skin and Jeno trembles in his arms, breath coming out in shallow pants as the man’s harmless nibbling on his flesh soon becomes harder bites that has Jeno clenching his teeth so no obscene sounds slip past his mouth.

Jaemin clamps his mouth right over Jeno’s collarbone, biting onto it and then sucking the skin hard into his mouth. The lewd squelching sounds make Jeno’s face heat up in shame, and he whimpers. The small sound causes Jaemin to raise his head to look at him. Jeno watches him, through the water gathered in his own eyes, run his gaze all over him -all over his face, the intensity in his eyes reaching a new depth.

The small gap between them closes yet again with a new ferocity, and Jeno finds himself staring at the other through his blurred vision. He feels the hand gripping the sleeve of his shirt drop –feels it leave pleasant shivers down his side to his lower back –moving down even lower –and grab a handful of his ass cheek, pressing his pelvis up into the other’s. Jeno’s mouth drops open and he lets out a moan at the corrupt pleasure rushing through him. Jaemin takes his open mouth as an invitation and molds their parted lips together, his tongue flicking against his, running over the roof of his mouth and then sucking on his tongue.

It felt so good, Jaemin’s mouth was sin. It was evil, yet _so sweet_ , the same mouth that had kissed his sister on numerous occasions. The same mouth that probably spoke words of love to her. The same mouth that probably made her feel just as good as he’s feeling –and that.

 _That is_ _fucking disgusting_.

His eyes, that had closed completely, shoot open and he wrenches his face away. Jaemin’s lips leaving a trail of their saliva across his cheek. Jeno pushes against the man’s chest, creating a barrier between them.

“No! – _no_ , Jaemin please stop! We can’t –I can’t do this to my sister – _I Like you_ -I like you _a lot_ but I can’t do this to her, please, we can’t do this to her!” He stutters out, his words coming out butchered, nearly hysterical.

Thankfully Jaemin pulls away, a mixture of shock-displeasure-but mostly confusion and worry expressed over his handsome features.

Jeno feels the urge to break out into sobs.

 _Why couldn’t things be different_?

Why were the things people said about the other true? He just helped him cheat on his sister! The guilt comes unrestrained now, and all he can think about is burying himself under his blankets and crying his existence away. But he won’t, not yet, not in front of Jaemin.

Jaemin is silent, and Jeno is still hysterical, guilt and fear latching their ugly claws on him and pulling him under.

“My friends warned me –about you! they told me to stay away and that you only play around –I didn’t believe them, b-but now I think I do -I’ve been played before and it hurt, it hurt a lot Jaemin, and I don’t wanna hurt again –so please! don’t do what you were –what you were going to do, from now on, I beg of you just ignore me – _please_.”

With tears threatening to spill down his cheeks –he runs out of the kitchen without sparing Jaemin a glance, without responding to the hasty calls of his name. He runs down the hall, up the stairs and into his room, closing the door and locking it. He collapses against it, bringing his knees up to his chest, trying to become as small as possible, to become as insignificant as he feels.

He’s a horrible person and at the moment, he really _really_ hates himself.

 _How could he do such a thing to his sister_?

It was unforgivable and Jeno cries even harder into his hands, remembering just how good those few moments of Jaemin’s warm hands on his body had felt. It disgusts him for _loving_ it so much. He loathes himself.

Just when his cries die down a bit, enough for him to hear over the sounds of his sniffling, the loud slam of the front door shutting reaches his ears; his heart shattering at the impact.

XX

Two weeks had passed since Jeno had the horrible encounter with Jaemin, and two weeks since he last saw him. The only thing he’s heard about the elder was that he and his sister had broken it off.

After the whole ordeal with Jaemin in the kitchen, Jeno’s conscience wouldn’t let him live. After being completely miserable for about four days, he had caved in and spilled everything to his her –asking her to forgive him, that he felt disgusting for doing that to her. Jeno’s sister had softly smiled at him, bringing him into a hug and telling him how proud she was of him, that she had the best brother in the world. Confused would be an understatement to describe how he had felt then; undeserving of her kindness, that too.

She proceeded to tell him that she knew what happened between them. That Jaemin had come to her two days before –explained what he did to Jeno and they had mutually ended the relationship. (she had left out the part of Jaemin rambling on about Jeno and how he didn’t know what all these new _weird_ feelings were, and how she had warned him to stay away from her brother till he screws his head on right -only so she doesn’t witness her baby brother’s heart break again).

Despite what his sister told him, he still looked guilt ridden and troubled, and knowing her brother extremely well –he was most likely blaming himself for their breakup. So in the hopes of pacifying the younger, she further explained to him that her relationship with Jaemin had been completely casual. That both of them were in a no-strings-attached-relationship, that Jeno hadn’t done anything wrong, so he should stop holding himself guilty. Plus she had a crush on a guy named Kim Junmyeon in the science department so there were no feelings other than _close friend_ for Jaemin on her side. The statement that she drilled into Jeno’s mind was – _stop worrying over nothing, you didn’t do anything wrong, I love you._

Jeno had then, four days after being miserable, felt a burden lift off his chest –he could finally breathe again.

Jaemin wasn’t seen anywhere, not even on campus when Jeno knew the other had classes, Jeno didn’t want to admit it, but he would go out of his way to look for the man. Curious eyes wandering from one corner to the other, to the point that Donghyuck would nudge him and tell him to stop –that it wasn’t worth it. So he slowly stopped searching for the familiar sight of blue hair-broad shoulders-and dark eyes.

On top of that, his finals were coming up, and this time around he was thankful since they could play as a distraction for him. Replace thoughts of Jaemin and his lingering touches with memorizing in-depth concepts of behavioural therapy and conditioning.

He sits at a table in a secluded corner in the University’s grand library, his many Psychology textbooks and papers spread out all around him in what he likes to call collective chaos. He’s studying diligently in the calm atmosphere libraries provide, soaking up theories and definitions of terms he can’t seem to understand no matter how hard he may try. He’s almost done with his work for today –having started a good seven hours ago when the sun was high in the sky and raining down warmth on his back from the glass window behind him. Now it’s dark, the stars have come out and Jeno, in the back of his mind somewhere, behind psychotherapy and drug treatments, really wished he could be outside gazing at them, letting the cool breeze settle deep into his bones. Anywhere but here, slaving his youth away over a butchered tree.

He’s tired and is contemplating to call it a night, and when he decides that –yes this much studying is enough, he starts to gather his papers and belongings. An image of white hot chocolate circles his mind, and just as he’s making a mental note to buy a large cup of the hot drink on his way home, he jolts at the loud sound of palms hitting the surface of his table. His head shoots up at the noise and his eyes widen –but his heart sinks at the sight.

Jaemin’s once healthy tanned skin –is deathly pale, purple bruises of fatigue swelling the skin under his bloodshot eyes. He’s wearing a worn out black hoodie, the hood pulled up over his head, and the shadows it casts over his face make him look just that more weak. It scares Jeno –he hasn’t ever seen the other weak before.

_What happened?_

“J-Jaemin?” He whispers, trying to shake the other out of whatever trance he’s in.

Instead of answering, the man grabs a hold of his wrist and pulls him off his chair. Jeno yelps loudly and immediately is shushed by the few students scattered around the library. He clamps his mouth shut and twists his wrist, planting his feet against the ground. But nothing works, and Jaemin keeps on striding forward without looking back. He’s pulled out of the library and into the men’s bathroom right next to it.

Jeno stands there watching on with worry as Jaemin quickly checks every stall with a shove to the door ensuring no one’s inside. Once he’s certain it’s just the two of them, he slumps back against the wall opposite to Jeno and runs a hand through his disheveled hair.

“J-Jaemin?”

The man looks at him, meets his gaze and there’s a myriad of emotions in his eyes. There’s so much going on in those stunning eyes it overwhelms Jeno; a heavy weight settling on his entire being.

In front of him, Jaemin heaves a sigh, leans his head against the tiled wall, closes his eyes for a moment and meets Jeno’s gaze with a furrow between his brows. And then he opens his mouth, and Jeno know within seconds that _this_ was something he was not ready for.

“I don’t even fucking know what to tell you Jeno, one day I’m completely fine with fucking anything that has a hole, and the next –I have someone grinding their ass on my cock and I can’t even get fucking hard –instead I feel sick -fucking _guilty_ –like I’m -I don’t know _cheating_ on –on _you_ –what the fuck?!”

Despite himself, Jeno’s cheeks color at the explicit description and his heart thuds erratically in his chest. He turns his eyes away from the lost and enraged man, knowing he’d most likely combust under that burdensome glare.

He doesn’t understand why –well, he isn’t sure if he’s understanding correctly. But if it’s what his slow mind is processing it to be, then what he thinks the reason for Jaemin’s distress is, would be related to him. But that would be impossible. And after knowing the nature of his relationship with his sister, he knows Jaemin doesn’t do relationships. So it’s obviously not what Jeno was thinking it to be – _hoping_ for it to be. Which is why it’s hard to figure out the reason behind Jaemin complaining to him. Jeno didn’t do anything –then why is he being accused by the latter? He prepares himself to ask, but movement from Jaemin stops him.

Jaemin lifts himself off the tiled wall and hesitantly brings himself closer to the brunette, hovering over him, pressing him against the door. Jeno chances a glance at him from their close proximity, but the second their eyes meet he turns his head away to the side, his heart thudding against his ribcage. He squeezes his eyes shut and grits his teeth out of fear. Not fear of the man standing so close, but fear of all the things his own pining may make him believe if he allows himself to meet Jaemin’s eyes.

Jeno flinches after a moment, when he feels Jaemin tenderly nose at his cheek to the space right under his ear, silently breathing him in. It makes even more heat rise to his face and down his neck, trembling in the man’s overbearing presence. Jaemin must feel him shuddering since he wraps both arms around him, one over his shoulders and the other tight around his waist. Holding him so – _so close_.

Jeno’s unsure of what to do with his own hands so he leaves them limp, resting against his sides.

“Why is it that I see your face every time I bring someone home to fuck –tell me why I fucking hate that the lips against mine aren’t yours –the fingers pulling my hair aren’t yours –the voice moaning my name isn’t yours –tell me why I fucking hate that it isn’t ever you –tell me – _please,_ tell me why it hurts so much.”

Jaemin’s whisper rings loud and clear in Jeno’s ears. His eyes are wide open, staring at the blank wall across him. Jaemin’s head is buried in his neck, and Jeno is trying so hard to organize this mess in his mind, but it’s just turning out to be so taxing. There’s a miniscule hope starting to bloom in a small corner of his heart. But at the same time –what if Jaemin is just annoyed by all of this? _By him_. What if he doesn’t want anything to do with him after? What if he just wants Jeno to know how much trouble he’s caused and that he hates him for it.

He’s about to push the man away because the direction his thoughts have headed in start to make more sense. Of course Jaemin doesn’t want anything to do with him and his inconvenient-self.

But then he feels something wet trail down his neck and disappear into the collar of his sweatshirt. Quickly followed by more wet trails –and then the other takes in a shaky breath, the heat wavering over the skin of his neck. Jeno’s eyes open even further as realization dawns upon him.

Jaemin is _crying_.

He’s crying against his shoulder and Jeno feels something twist in his gut, something half good-half bad, but it hurts him too. To see someone he likes in pain and that too because of him.

He brings his hand up, albeit hesitant in his movement, to run his fingers through the tangled mess atop the man’s head, hoping it could soothe the other. It’s awkward, he knows he’s oozing awkwardness right now but despite his doubt, the other’s posture relaxes a bit and the tight grip he’s encased in tries to bring them even closer. He doesn’t know what to say. Is he even supposed to reply? But Jaemin isn’t saying anything either, just burrowing himself further into Jeno, and it warms his heart. It really does, but the lingering questions in his mind, the blatant doubt, really make it difficult for him to focus on anything remotely positive.

“Umm –Jaemin, I really don’t know what to say –I don’t necessarily know what you mean –that was pretty graphic to be honest –just please don’t cry –please, it’ll be okay –I guess?”

Jeno really wishes he could vanish into thin air right now. That was so, _so awkward,_ and Jaemin probably thinks so too because he hears a sniffle followed by a few chuckles against his neck. There is no room for him to blush darker, but even so he probably does.

Jaemin finally lifts his head off his shoulder and looks –gazes at Jeno with such fondness in his tired glassy eyes, Jeno’s breath catches in his throat. The man is smiling softly at him. It’s so different than any grins or smirks he’s received before by him, and it spreads warmth through his heart. That little hope, slowly blooming.

“Lee Jeno, I have absolutely no fucking clue what you’ve done to me, I mean I know -sort of -this shit is new to me -but I don’t think I can see anyone but you –I don’t trust myself Jeno-ya and I’m scared I’ll hurt you -both of us –but I wanna try, I wanna change my ways if it’s you I’m doing it for –so please help me, please give me a chance?”

The sincerity Jaemin’s jumbled words hold have his tongue feeling heavy in his mouth. His heart palpitating at a rate he knows isn’t normal, in disbelief that something he’s wanted for so long and believed was unimaginable, might actually be a possibility.

It’s so much Jeno can barely comprehend the relief and happiness beginning to replace the fear, guilt, and most of all the longing. And oh gosh –he knows he’s sensitive but usually he does a better job of holding in his tears, especially his happy tears. But right now tears start gathering in his eyes. Jeno knows no coherent speech will leave his mouth at the moment, and Jaemin’s expectant –hopeful expression is starting to falter, so he quickly, rapidly nods. His lips breaking out into a quivering grin, eyes turning into crescents causing his tears to spill over.

Both of them break out into laughter over their lack of emotional stability, and Jaemin brings him back into him. This time Jeno’s hands fist Jaemin’s shirt, bringing the other close to him, feeling the hurried beating of his heart, the trembling of his arms where they tightly embrace him. Jaemin leaves a kiss on the side of his head; Jeno molds himself deeper into the man.

They’ll be okay.

**EXTRA**

**_Four years later_ **

Jeno _hates_ being awoken early in the morning, especially those mornings after he’s had an eventful night. The soreness in his muscles making him even more lethargic than usual, but his stupid boyfriend of three and a half years now, doesn’t seem to get it. Even after all this time.

Jaemin keeps tugging his hand and good gosh it’s so annoying. He lets out a pained whine hoping that his annoyance gets through to the other male. But if there’s anything he’s learned about the Na Jaemin, it’s that he’s an overgrown man child, is awfully stubborn, and will do anything to get what he wants. So for the sake of his own sanity, Jeno opens his eyes expecting his boyfriend to be standing over him. Which he isn’t. He then directs his gaze lower, and through his sleep induced vision, his left hand still clasped in Jaemin’s hold, he finds him kneeling on the ground next to him.

Kneeling on the ground, holding his _left_ hand, looking up at him with a brilliant smile.

Kneeling.

Hand –left hand.

Jeno shoots up in bed, his blood pressure shooting up in a similar manner, and looks down at Jaemin with wide –panic stricken eyes. Thousands of bells ring in his head and Jeno’s heart bubbles with possibilities of is this actually happening right now? He’s this close to having a mental break down out of happiness and really this man is so spontaneous like-

“Lee Jeno, It’s been almost four years since we’ve been together, and you already know that I love you, that you’re the light of my life –I know that you love me too, that I too am the light of your life –I don’t wanna put you under too much stress right now because I know you must be sore from last night, but I really need to ask you this, because if I don’t now I feel like I may just die –but will you do the honors of making me the happiest man alive by getting out of bed and making me breakfast, I’m _really_ hungry baby.”

Jaemin wants to laugh so hard right now, Jeno’s face loses any expression and he does that thing where he blinks rapidly, often in reply to being wronged. Which Jaemin knows is probably what his boyfriend feels right now. Devoid of any emotion or clue as to what is going on in his beautiful mind, Jaemin knows he’ll be getting a reaction in…3…2…and cue

“Na Jaemin! I. fucking. hate. you! I FUCKING HATE YOU –YOU INSENSITIVE JERK! GO MAKE SOMETHING YOURSELF! I’M NEVER MAKING ANYTHING FOR YOU EVER AGAIN! YOU CAN FIND YOURSELF A NEW BOYFRIEND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT!”

Jaemin ends up cooking breakfast. He also spends a good part of the day, snuggling his lover, making it up to him with an abundance of kisses and _I love you’s_. He doesn’t tell Jeno about the small velvet box that’s been sitting in the left shoe of his old timberlands for the past two months.

Jaemin doesn’t tell Jeno –not yet at least.

**EXTRA 2.0**

**_3 months after ‘that’_ **

“Do you, Na Jaemin take Lee Jeno to be your husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do you part?”

“I do.”

“Do you, Lee Jeno take Na Jaemin to be your husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do you part?”

“I do.”

“I now pronounce you husband and husband. You may now kiss the—

“Bride!” Jaemin supplies over the minister and the small crowd of their friends and family roar with laughter.

He loves annoying his _now_ husband, and annoyed the man gets.

Jeno glares at him, reaching over with his left hand, the silver ring contrasting beautifully with his pale skin, to whack him on his chest –and none too gently.

“I’m reconsidering this marriage already.” He mutters loud enough for Jaemin to hear.

Jeno doesn’t get to express more of his irritation (humoring their amused crowd). Jaemin draws him closer, staring at him with so much love, so much affection Jeno’s heart swells in his chest. It grows only that much larger at the calming feeling of the man’s lips pressing down on his.

They smile against each other’s mouth, eyes crinkling up into similar crescents, their joy making both of them lightheaded.

They’re happy.

They’re in love.

They’re married.

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> waahhh they're married!!! the end!! yayay!!  
> yeah i couldn't keep my crack-ish tendencies away for too long!!  
> but yeah -i hope you guys liked it
> 
> I have two twitter fics going on, they're smaller drabbles which I thought I'd post there, so if you would like, you can read them here: https://twitter.com/smolbeanseungmo/status/1282153850712006657


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